So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
