I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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