i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
