He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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