how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
