Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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