I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
