I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
