your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I died a long time ago.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
