so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
