i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they're like a gay fantastic four
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
