The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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