Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
