So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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