even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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