well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
