He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
