my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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