i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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