8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
