Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
