FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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