Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
