So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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