So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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