nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
