If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
