I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
