I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
PANTIES FOUND
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
