She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
