I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
bring money and cleavage
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
