I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
