just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
