I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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