u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
