I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
im six kinds of drunk right now
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
