I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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