apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
