If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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