She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Never let your siblings swipe right.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
