i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
