I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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