If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
