Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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