I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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