Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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