??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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