Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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