Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
