I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
