he fucked my hip out of place.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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