We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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